EVERYONE HAS THEIR OWN AGENDA. Especially in a healthy relationship!
Each person always has their own agenda. You can't tell people not to think for themselves. Because we are built in such a way, that we are close to ourselves and our feelings to be fine, and that's how it works.
And soon you will understand how it is relevant to a healthy relationship.
TO LISTEN IS TO HEAR + UNDERSTAND.
Especially in a healthy relationship, listening is vital.
When one partner understands what the other partner feels through listening, the listening has reached a high quality. The idea is that each partner is present with their own agenda but sets it aside for a moment and doesn't let it interfere with listening to the other person’s side and trying to understand what bothers them or what they want to say. Especially to build a healthy relationship.
LEARN TO LISTEN EQUALLY IN A HEALTHY RELATIONSHIP!
This way, each partner in a healthy relationship can give space to consider the thoughts of the other, and each can think to themself, "Wait, it may be that I recognize the problem my partner is presenting, I recognize the feelings that they are experiencing.” In a healthy relationship, we can be empathetic about what our partner feels. Without saying whether we accept it or not, without judging whether it's good for us or not good for us. We can say to ourselves, “First of all, from a place of equality in the healthy relationship and from a place of respecting my partner, I accept and listen and if that's what my partner feels, that's okay.”
The next step is to deeply understand what they says. It's not just that they said something, now I want to be in a situation where I feel like I understand them - I really understand what my partner feels.
Then, if it's something I agree with and I think my partner is really right - maybe they really feel deprived in some way or like their feelings didn't get the right attention, there's a possibility to change and fix something in the healthy relationship so we both feel good.
The partner who had the problem in the healthy relationship understands that the other person saw their side, and then a change was created here that happened while agreeing in a healthy relationship.
SEE HOW A CONVERSATION BETWEEN TWO SPOUSES ABOUT A LOVELY VACATION TURNS INTO A CONFLICT
We will now describe a common situation that occurs in many homes.
Such an example certainly does not lead to building a healthy relationship, but you can learn from it what NOT to do.
In this example, we chose the subject of a vacation abroad, you can associate this example with any topic you choose. When you apply this lesson, it can give you an opportunity to reach a healthy relationship.
Ann and Eric are planning to go on a joint two-week vacation abroad as part of their desire to work toward a healthy relationship.
Ann wants to fly to an island in Greece, sit all day in the swimming pool, sunbathe, eat Greek food and mostly do nothing but rest.
Eric, on the other hand, wants to travel to the Tyrol region in Austria, rent a car and sleep in a different area every night, visit Salzburg, Hallstatt and enjoy a trip full of experiences, sights and landscape. He is sure this kind of vacation will help build the healthy relationship he wants to achieve.
The couple is sitting at home and talking about the upcoming vacation.
Both are passionate because they feel they need this vacation very much.
ANN DESCRIBED TO ERIC HOW MUCH SHE LOVED THE QUIET OF GREECE.
She said, "Eric, we will sit by the pool and eat watermelon and grapes with Greek cheese, we will pamper ourselves at the spa, and we will have a private beach. Every day we will eat at a different chef’s restaurant out of the four options there... I can really imagine what it will be like. It will be nice and fun when we take a break together from the race of life. With the goal of improving our healthy relationship, you understand, Eric, how much fun we will have there... We have to book this amazing vacation in Greece."
BUT ERIC WAS NOT OPEN TO LISTENING TO ANN'S WORDS
And he was constantly focused only on the things he wanted to say. At the same time Ann was describing the wonders of the vacation in Greece, Eric was thinking to himself and preparing to say the following:
Ann, you don't understand how much we will enjoy the amazing landscapes of Austria. There are amazing lakes and picturesque towns, and we will sleep in a different place every day, we will wake up early in the morning in the woods to the sound of birds tweeting, we will have fun, and it will really be a perfect vacation for our healthy relationship.
After Ann finished speaking, she asked Eric, “Well, what do you say? Shall we go on this vacation?”
Then Eric answered her, “Yes of course, there will be amazing views, we will sleep every night in a different place, I am already excited to hear the birds tweeting in the morning.”
ANNE GOT ANGRY AND SAID, "ERIC, DID YOU EVEN LISTEN TO WHAT I SAID?"
Eric answered, "Ann, I have talked many times about vacationing in Austria. I prepared something especially for you. How can you not see all the good I want to do for you and me and for our healthy relationship? You know I burn in the sun, and I will suffer from the heat."
Then Ann replied, “Eric, what you’re suggesting is to work hard every day. We would get up early in the morning, drive for hours in the car and walk from place to place carrying all the luggage. You know how much I need a vacation to pause, relax, and breathe fresh air. I want to stay in one relaxing place with pampering and all the attractions. I'm sure this type of vacation is exactly what will make our relationship healthier and higher quality."
You can already imagine the harsh extremes this conversation reached, even though it was about a vacation they both wanted.
WHAT JUST HAPPENED HERE?
Now let's analyze what just happened here.
Ann and Eric tried to express themselves, but insisted on conveying only the appropriate message that supported their agenda. Their goal was being able to convince the other partner to choose the vacation they were suggesting.
In this conversation, either there was no listening at all, or the listening was partial, subjective, or one-sided. Each partner’s dialogue mainly focused on supporting their own interest regarding the type of vacation they wanted to take. It’s clear that such a situation cannot lead to a healthy relationship.
CHARACTERIZING THE LISTENING STYLE
A listening style in an unhealthy relationship, such as the style we saw in Ann and Eric's conversation, is communication built on disrespect, lack of appreciation, lack of care and impatience.
Each partner was not open to listening to the other partner and was only focused on the things they wanted to say.
Instead of opening and strengthening the relationship, such a conversation creates anger, frustration, and a feeling of loneliness in the relationship.
“My partner doesn’t listen to me!”
“My partner doesn't understand me, and it could harm our healthy relationship.”
As it turns out, there are many people who are completely unaware that they don't really know how to listen.
SO, WHAT SHOULD BE DONE? HOW DO YOU LISTEN QUALITATIVELY TO YOUR PARTNER?
1. In a healthy relationship, the first thing you need to understand is everyone has a relationship with themselves.
You have a relationship with yourself, your partner has a relationship with themself, and together, as a couple, you create a marital relationship.
Whether it will be of high quality or not depends on your behavior as a couple.
2. When you listen to your partner now, don't think about anything, just listen to your partner.
3. You must not be judgmental of each other. When your partner talks to you, you can agree or disagree, but in no way be judgmental.
Remember that this is your partner and not your enemy. Especially when you build and develop a healthy relationship!
You must respect the fact that your partner has opinions, needs, and the wisdom to say things their way - and that they also have a unique agenda. You must be very patient to understand what is the message that is important for your partner to convey to you.
4. Remember that listening in a healthy relationship is an act of mutual respect and appreciation in a healthy relationship and quality listening improves the healthy relationship between you.
When you are in a conversation, each of you must be patient until the other partner finishes talking and refrain from interrupting with conflicting questions or statements.
When you listen to each other, each of you should strive to understand the other side. You should be empathetic and acknowledge the feelings that the other partner experiences and come from a place of equality.
You must try to truly understand and, especially, feel what the other partner is saying and what exactly they mean.
Is your partner lacking in any way, is something bothering them, is there something special they want to achieve?
In such an intimate conversation in a healthy relationship, the main goal is to have a conversation that gives space to each of you and to your partnership.
See you in the next post On the subject of a healthy relationship.
Chaya & Yiftach
PS
If you have any questions regarding healthy relationship or you want us to address other topics, please feel free to leave us a comment below.
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